I've Started A Podcast!

Hey everyone!

Yes, it's been a long time since I posted and in that time I realized that it will be better for me to convey my story in podcast form.

Please visit

http://changesinlatitudespodcast.blogspot.com

And give it a listen, won't you?

Thanks

Sabrina! :D

Life gets in the way

Dear Blog,

Hello! How are you? I hope you have been well. Life's been treating me well, or at least I feel that it has. In fact that's why I'm writing … to apologize for not writing. As the title suggests I've been busy with the in's & outs of life and my time for social media and blogging has had to sit out for a few things. 

These 'things' or activities range from painting the kitchen, driving 800+ miles (round trip) for a memorial service, having a mani/pedi with my amazing wife, birthday celebrating with friends, a trip to the county fair (Andrew didn't know what to make of it), and of course Pride.

All these things and I'm sure some that I can not remember at this time have taken up time that I use to write you. I know I'll have more time once the summer is over but until then take care of yourself and I'll write again soon. 

Regards with hugs and love,

Sabrina

Laser Hair Removal - Chapter 1

This entry contains my first two experiences of laser hair removal; one being the consultation & two being the actual first removal appointment.

May 29, 2014
Consultation

I arrived far too early to sit in the waiting room so I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes to kill some time.  After checking Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, some text messages and my make-up I saw that enough time had passed so it wouldn't appear that I had arrived almost 50 minutes early for my appointment. I gathered my purse, put on my sunglasses and proceeded from the parking lot to the front entrance. I wasn't really nervous while waiting in my car but as I took those first few steps an overwhelming feeling of nervousness and anxiety flooded over me, however as I approached the double front doors the anxiety and nerves went away and I was just another customer walking in for a laser hair removal consultation.

Walking into the waiting room and approaching the front desk to check in, the receptionist took my name, verified my appointment and handed me a few papers to fill out.  The waiting area was not very full at all.  I believe there was about 20-ish seats in total and only four people were waiting. I found a seat and started filling out the general paperwork which took about 15 minutes.  Once completed, I returned the papers & clipboard to the receptionist and returned to my seat to wait, once again browsing Facebook to help pass the time.  This seemed like the longest 15 minutes of my life.  Just sitting. Waiting. Waiting for my name to be called.  Once it was called I went into the consultation room and again waited for another 3-5 minutes for the nurse to come in and begin the consultation.

When she did return and started the consultation, a sense of comfort and serenity filled the room.  I could tell she had interacted with many trans woman in the past.  She was in her late 40's or early 50's (maybe older since she does work for a company whose business is to make people look younger.) We spoke for about 25 minutes about my wants & needs and what they can do to help with them.  She was wonderful.  Once we were done I was guided to the check out receptionist who helped me schedule my first appointment and reminded me of all the do's and don'ts about Laser Hair Removal.

For a first time experience that could be nerve wracking I felt completely at ease and taken care of.  I'm looking forward to my first appointment.

June 10, 2014
Day Before First Appointment

Part of the process is to shave 24 hours before your appointment.

I used to have some major dysphoria issues with not having a freshly shaved face before taking on the day; so the thought of having 24 hours worth of growth before heading out has been a real roller coaster ride in my head. Ever since I had my consultation I've been keeping a close eye on how fast (or slow) my facial hair grows. Over the past two weeks I've come to realize that it doesn't grow as fast as I initially thought and that most of the "OH MY GOD I HAVE BEARD GROWTH" anxiety was really all in my head.  It seems that I can go almost 48 hours before I see so much growth that I absolutely MUST shave.  This realization was surprisingly a calming reassurance. The fact that I can go almost 48 hours before the hair becomes very obvious is wonderful.  Mostly because the instructions say that you should shouldn't shave for 24 - 48 hours AFTER your appointment depending on the sensitivity of your skin. I am hoping that my skin is not too sensitive that I'll have to wait longer than 48 hours to shave because by that point I'll just look like a woman with five o'clock shadow (if I'm lucky) but I'll probably look like an effeminate man with five o'clock shadow.

I'm understand why but I'm saddened that I can't wear anything on my face other than sunscreen and numbing cream.  I think wear some mascara and eye shadow just so I don't feel completely naked in the make up department.

June 11, 2014
First Appointment

Morning Of Appointment

So ... again i'm nervous / anxious about my appointment, but also excited to start this process.  It's been a long time coming.  There were times in my life when I never thought this would happen so the excitement is out weighting the nervousness and anxiety.  And now that I reflect on the nerves and anxiety it's much more like opening night stage fright which I'm very familiar with and I'm anticipating it to pass as my appointment time draws closer during the day.

BEFORE Appointment

I'm parked in the lot. A little nervous, but I'm feeling good. I'm always early when I have appointments. I don't really know why I have this habit. I think it's from not wanting to be late to anything. I'm sure my father had some influence on me because he hated being late to things. He liked to arrive at places about 30 to 45 minutes early and give the place a once over before the scheduled time of whatever it was we were attending.

So I sat in my car for about 30 minutes before heading into the facility.  I applied the numbing cream to my face and neck and it felt like topical Novocain on my face.  Each section started to become desensitized and dry and my mouth/nose area of my skin didn't want to follow my nerve impulses to move as I spoke.  It was a very strange sensation.  After I finished and sipped some water the time had come to sign in for my appointment.

Before Appointment - Anesthetic Cream & Sunscreen applied

I exited my car and made my way to the receptionist.  I signed in 20 minutes early for my appointment and only had to wait about 7 minutes before I was called back into the room.  They actually were starting on me about 10 to 13 minutes early.  It was awesome.  Here I am, an overly punctual person who usually has to wait 5 or more minutes past the scheduled time and I was starting my appointment early.  It made me very happy to be running ahead of schedule.

Once in the room the nurse explained the process, let me look at the laser and allowed me to ask any questions at anytime during the procedure.  We had some small talk during the process which was not trite or forced, it was actually very pleasant.  Now the process itself is very bizarre to explain.  The easiest description is it felt like having a tattoo.  The longer answer is: static electricity.  Not one of those large pain inducing shocks, but a semi-mild shock that lets you know that static electricity is in the environment.  One of those shocks that takes you by surprise when you go to open a door handle.

The process didn't take more than 20 minutes even with all my questions and the explanation of what was happening so I suspect that future appointments will only be about 15 to 20 minutes.  After gathering my things and myself I left the room and proceeded to the receptionist to schedule my next appointment six weeks from now.

After Appointment - You can see the redness on my neck and chin.

June 11 through June 15
After care

The evening of the appointment was weird.  Weird in the sense that my skin was recovering from not only the anesthetic but also the procedure.  About four hours after the process I could feel the air moving against my skin as I walked but it was not the normal feeling.  It's hard to describe because I could feel the air but NOT feel the air at the same time.  I used some hydrocortisone cream before bed because my skin felt extremely dry and itchy with a few red bumps at some of the more sensitive areas, specifically my neck.

The next morning I felt fine.  Great actually.  No discomfort. No bumps. No overly red areas.  The only thing I noticed was that my skin was dryer than usual.  I used some more hydrocortisone cream and some sunscreen twice during the day and aside from some slight itchiness I felt as if nothing happened.

On Friday (two days after the appointment) I had plans to have lunch with a friend and when I shaved I noticed that my hair was courser & rougher and that my skin was much dryer & flakier than they ever had been before.  My wife commented that my face felt more like sandpaper than it ever had.  She mentioned this throughout the weekend with different degrees of growth.

Throughout the weekend I kept using hydrocortisone cream and sunscreen with not much change to how my skin/hair felt but the itchiness and irritation slowly reduced itself by the end of the weekend. I will say this is the most bizarre feeling I have ever felt in regards to my face & beard.  I am very much looking forward to this weekend because the nurse informed me that all the follicles should fall out between 7 and 10 days after the appointment and Saturday the 21st is the 10th day.

2.5 days after my appointment

2.5 days after my appointment.

Three Big Milestones

As I mentioned in my 'Coming Out' video which was included in my first blog entry; there were three big milestones that happened in my life that helped or rather allowed me to come out to myself and the rest of the world.

Here they are listed in chronological order.

My 40th Birthday
July 30, 2012

I think all of us go through those "Oh $h*#! I'm not getting any younger!" moments many times in our lives. I started experiencing them in my mid to late thirties. Many were just fleeting thoughts about where I've been and where I'm going; while some would cause moments of anxiety and panic. The one big anxiety/panic attack I had around my 40th gave me about a week of insomnia. During that sleepless week my mind kept repeating what I can only refer to as a "waking dream."  This 'dream' started in my pre-teens or maybe my early teens and happiness usually as I am in bed trying to fall asleep.  The dream would allow me to be the girl/woman I was supposed to be and usually happened by some 'magical method' while I slept resulting in the 'new me' when I woke up.  Over the years I had many variations of this dream but they all ended in the same results.  I would be accepted by society as a female.  My solution to this insomnia/anxiety around my 40th was to start privately cross dressing more. This solution was a only a band-aid for a broken bone, but it suppressed my desire to transition for about another year.


The Birth of My Son
September 15, 2012

My wife and I were blessed with a healthy baby boy on September 15, 2012.  It was during an unusual heat wave where temperatures reached over 100 degrees in some parts of the city.  After the proverbial dust of labor/delivery and our hospital stay had settled and we were back at home trying to readjust our lives with having a newborn; a brief moment in time came when I was awake and my wife and child were asleep.  It was the first moment of time I had when I wasn't needed by someone else.  It was in the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep.  This was strange considering how exhausted I was, but I didn't want to try laying in bed hoping to fall asleep so I went and sat on the couch to cruise the Internet and/or watch TV to try and induce sleep.

A dose of reality hit me as I sat there and I realized that I was a parent.  My life had completely changed as I had known it.  It was scary and wonderful all at the same time. Even though I had the TV on and my lap top open to some social media site, I was not really paying attention to what was on the screens.  My mind was racing ... thinking and digesting this huge change that just occurred in my life.  It was during this moment of self reflection that another "I'm not getting any younger" thoughts occurred along with another version of my "wake up and be a girl" dream, but this time it was slightly different.  The end results of my thoughts didn't seem so far fetched.  It would be challenging but not impossible.  It's hard to find words to describe that feeling I felt, but it felt as if a self-built wall had come crumbling down.  There were still many walls and blocks to go, but one of the mountains had become a molehill and was no longer in my way.


The Passing of My Mom
January 21, 2013

Nobody likes loosing a parent.  Well, maybe a serial killer or murderer might, but they are not part of the general population and are not considered 'normal' by society.  My father passed in 2001 but for the last 10 years of his life he and I were not as close as we were when I was a child; so his passing didn't affect me as I once thought it would. But moms are different then dads.  I went through the typical feelings of loss when she passed but I also felt a sense of relief.  Two sided relief.  One side was regarding her and her quality of life, or lack thereof.  The last five or so years of her life were not easy due to her health, so when she passed I felt that she was more content and happy knowing that she wouldn't have to suffer on a daily basis.  The other side of relief I felt was similar to that wall coming down but it was more freeing, more liberating.  Feeling that there wasn't really anything holding me back from my desire to be the woman I've felt inside me for over 20 years except for me and my own personal self-inflicted blocks or walls. However, it still took me another seven months to come out to myself.

During those seven months my mind would wonder back to the 'wake up as a girl' dream as well as the "you're not getting any older' thoughts. Finally, sometime around my 41st birthday I had watched a good number of different transition video's made by different trans women on YouTube over the period of a week or so and by the end of August 2013 when I finally came out to myself and accepted the fact that I am a trans woman and that transition was indeed what I wanted.

Coming out to my wife is another story, which I'll save for a future blog post.

Almost two months…

So as I lay in bed trying to turn off my brain I realize that it's been almost two months since I came out.

Here is a picture from the counter on my phone. 

It's crazy to think about and now that I am I can say that every day has been a bit easier than the day before it. Some days are a stand still but most have been a progress forward. 

Today my wife and I bought some high quality walking shoes because we want to treat our feet right and do some more walking in general to get/stay in shape. 

Now I didn't do a lot today in regards to makeup or anything. So I was really in that "Is he a she? Or is she a he?" phase. 

As I came out to the sales girl she said she had some family that was trans which made me feel very comfortable. I didn't ask her for any more information as it wasn't the time or place. What I should have done is given her my email or something, but hindsite is 20/20. 

Overall it was a awesome day. 

Now goodnight. 😃😉👍💋